January 9th (a)

Is it getting easier? I'm not sure... Still not sleeping or eating. Walking around like a zombie. There are definitely moments where I feel good... but a majority of the time just hurts. I'm sad. I'm broken... I don't know how to process or how to move forward. Starting therapy. Taking new meds... but the day-to-day. The constant thoughts (CONSTANT)... The loss of hope. I understand that it needs to be this way... I'm just unsure how to exist. 

Partial List

1. Bday kale
2. sbux run
3. jam
4. hph.
5. balboa p, 
6. meds, 
7. up at night
8. hf tix
9. mck tix, 
10. work debrief
11. listen, 
12. stories,
13. college, 
14. high school, 
15. Thai lunch, 
16. music!, 
17. complain, 
18. making of bev, 
19. snacks, 
20. bofj, 
21. gas in car,
22. walgreens, 
23. carrots, 
24. cheese, 
25. salad, 
26. Togo’s, 
27. dollar tree, 
28. compliments, 
29. remembering everything, 
30. asking 
31. Irv&pearl, 
32. can never be level of thoughtful, 
33. doesn’t  go unnoticed, 
34. words. 
35. Linger, 
36. elevator, 
37. December accident, 
38. phone calls 
39. med leave, 
40. playlist, 
41. flat white, 
42. “points”, 
43. fu..ck, 
44. exhausting, 
45. blue, purple, red, 
46. military, 
47. writing center, 
48. gchats, 
49. roller coaster, 
50. missed bday, 
51. caramel, 
52. p..lots, 
53. emojis...beyond, 
54. mcard, 
55. 41 Persian, 
56. no carbs, 
57. stories, 
58. journey, 
59. what’s your story, 
60. archer, 
61. crashing, 
62. Treefort videos, 
63. never a day since January, 
64. same person, 
65. fall festival both families, 
66. pre friends, 
67. first meeting sat next...knew, 
68. broken yolk questioning, 
69. hey, hi, ..., eff, 
70. autocorrect, 
71. chuze, 
72. merry me target, 
73. texts, 
74. need my 5 min, 
75. wait garage, 
76. ‘obsession confession’, 
77. plan a, 
78. walk away, 
79. forever, 
80. Extreme, 
81. Cleopatra
82. lyrics, 
83. words changed?,
84.  “I have a story about that”, 
85. mental peace...mental, 
86. waffles, 
87. loss of appetite, 
88. tofu scramble, 
89. dzakins, 
90. you are right here, 
91. journal, 
92. book that no one else wants to read, 
93. letter read this to ‘sparks’ or the like, 
94. alphabet, 
95. no explanation, 
96. each letter or emoji is an exhausting story
97. 5am,4am, 
98. 12:01, July 1, 
99. Long Island, 
100. cell phone in bathroom, 
101. notes every night to share the next day, 
102. only have an hour...always,
103.  owe me lunch $18 tacos, 
104. weird lunch, 
105. cut it with a knife, 
106. nervous, 
107. what the shit, 
108. anything arms
109. Lottery discussion, 
110. worst, second worse, 
111. c-rolls, 
112. Etta James, 
113. Martha, Katie, Daphney, kkemp, 
114. shoulder t, 
115. fist bump, 
116. my b_ hurt, 
117. tmi, 
118. hate the thumbs up, 
119. mission bay, 
120. Irv the perve, 
121. see you in a bit. 
122. bathrooms, 
123. our box, 
124. drive like a boy, 
125. blank stare, 
126. savor, 
127. pausethisshit
128. fox and the gingerbread man - what kind of fox do I want to be
129. want vs should do
130. "there's a wall"
131. Rolos, 
132. "Get out of there!", 
133. December graduation, picture, 
134. shared calendar, 
135. same person, 
136. Nancy Naz, 
137. #bosslady, 
138. multiple chat windows, 
139. me sweating, 
140. hdog, 
141. easy cheese, 
142. team C-cup, 
143. "B, B, & B" for b... 
144. Starbucks know-it-all dude, 
145. Artisnal water, 
146. honey crisp, 
147. air guitar vids, 
148. "I'm going on leave," 
149. IUI/
150. #toosoon, 
151. your jokes/timing, 
152. Sunday, 
153. NHM, 
154. interviews, 
155. Twix, 
156. #next10minutes, 
157. denim uniform (green jacket)
158. always texting one message/topic behind
159. #Ironic
160. #gotit
161. Mandy Capsela
162. #Ifreakinheart👴👵

Exhausting

👴🏻💜👵🏻